The Word B

so the world has a new pope. how exciting! i can barely contain my joy. i feel like shouting hallelujah from the top of the tallest mountain. wow. these are such exciting times we live in. which got me to thinking- what really went on in that bird cage, inside the vatican, with all those cardinals? what qualifications are required to become the next pope? surely, all those cardinals are qualified. they have come so far in the world. so what singles one out above the rest? the theory i put forth is not mine alone, several top scientists agree. at the cardinal summit, a pope is chosen simply by the highest number of children that each pope candidate has personally sexually abused. this may be a sick thing to bring up, but let's be real here, the catholic church has about 1700 years of abuse and the death of hundreds of millions people to answer for. all of which was perpetrated in the name of god.
on a similar note, how many other people are sick of the air time this whole pope thing is getting? what about equal time for protestants, baptist, episcopalians, muslims, j-ho's, mormons, buddhists, hindus, or atheists?