The Word B

genius. pure genius. i have had this photo in my collection for a long time. thought i would share it with you all. if this isn't punk, then what on earth is?

real brief here. i was at party last night and ran into a few people i had not seen for a while. on more than three occasions i had mentioned to me. "i heard you have a blog site." or "i read your blog the other day and i thought it was...." it made me feel pretty stoked to know that there was a rumor going around out there that what i am typing and inputting into this site is being received by more people than i actually would have guessed. not everyone leaves comments, so i figure they are a a bit more voyeuristic in their approach to the incredible world of the blog.

the other day i was mowing the lawn. at one point, i had to move a table, in order to cut the grass beneath it. on the top of the table wsa a large potted cactus plant. i went to pick up and half slide this pot off the table top. in doing so i realized that i had killed this tiny little lizard that was hiding out underneath the pot. upon closer inspection, i noticed that it had been a pretty quick kill because the pot had crushed in the lizard's head and snapped it's spine at the base of the skull. at first i was shocked and half repulsed by what i had done. yet, i figured the damage was already done, and the little critter was already dead. what i did find most fascinating was the death throws of the lizard. i could see the muscles still twitching throughout it's body- the feet were still running, the chest was still rising and falling as if the lungs were still struggling to breath, and the heart was still pounding, as well as the tail was violently twitching. i decided to pick up this small thing, put it into my hand, and have a closer look at this final act of death. i was totally mesmerized by the little lizard. during the two minutes or so that it took to finally cease in it's twitchings, i wandered off in thought to all the other instances in my life when i have witnessed death first hand (no pun intended).
the most obvious memories were of fish flopping around after being caught. i know i have killed hundred if not thousand of insects, a few birds, a few rabbits, and even shot a few kangaroos. all of which i have watched in the final moments, as the life ebbs from the bodies. with human beings, i have been witness to a few deaths, mainly while working as an ambulance officer, when arriving at the scenes of car wrecks where bodies are severely mangled, suicides, and heart attacks. there was a lot less twitching from the latter two. i have been present to a number of funerals with open caskets, but those are just not the same thing. the rawness from the open act of dying is somehow missing and covered up, as if there is this pretense that being dead is just not acceptable.
it was with these thoughts that i watched the lizard give out in it's final spasms. afterwards, i dug a small little hole in the yard and buried the lizard into the dirt. it was my symbolic gesture of gratitude, since i was able to share in it's death, even though i was the (unintentional) cause of death. normally, i would have just cast the thing aside and kept on mowing. ironically, when i returned to move the table, i noticed the place whence i had removed the pot, there was a perfect mould of the skin the lizard has just shed, stuck to the top side of the table. i also had to wipe the small spot of red blood from my hand. then i went back to mowing the grass.

this morning while i was driving to my university to put in the study time at the library, i saw some thing totally bizarre in the car next to me. there was a man driving a two door ford festiva. the inside of the car was totally filled with aluminum cans, plastic bottles, ice cream containers, various other bits of rubbish, and plenty more i am sure, as this i could only view through the window. the pile of filth was stacked above and beyond the windows. you could not see in or out of the rear window for all the cans. the passenger seat was completely stacked up as well. and from what i can tell, the only free space that was available inside the car was the drivers seat. it was actually a disgusting sight to look at. i am not sure what the man's plans were, but it looked as if the collection of garbage had been there for some time.
this brought me to thinking of the most dirty cars i have ever been inside. in my life, i have been in quite a few. the typical filth is the left over food wrapers and empty drink bottles. one time in particular when i was young, i distinctly remember the smell of week old bologna coming from the back seat of another family's car. that was fairly repulsive. i have seen cars with mould growing from the spills, and other cars that have never been cleaned out. i am not one to go washing my car all that often, i let the rain do that. i will give it a vacuum only occasionally, when there is excessive dirt, sometimes water after a heavy rain, or too much beach sand (which happens to be the case most often). but to pile up the filth from food refuse over time. i just can't live like that. it is a dirty environment, and not one i can tolerate for myself.
if that guy's car was that bad, one can only imagine his house?

i have lived in australia for nearly 6 1/2 years. in that time i have seen some good things, but also a lot of shit happen. the bad things is the kind of stuff that people in most other parts of the world would start mass protests and riots over, but not here in the land down under.
i was here for the olympics in sydney in 2000 and the world cup rugby in 2003, both good things to happen to australia.
however, the other stuff, the bad shit it just seems to keep rolling on through while the people of this fortunate land (in general) sit around and lazily do nothing. where does one begin? i have seen the introduction of GST. a ridiculous tax that was introduced to go along with all the other crazy taxes paid in this country. for example, the 46% tax on any earnings a person gets from a second or third job. therefore there is no incentive to work harder than the bare minimum. stamp duty (or tax) is paid on any major purchase where there must be a certificate of ownership involved- car, house, business, bank loan, etc. all this tax, and nobody really cares.
the native aboriginal peoples of this country suffer from starvation, ill health, early death rates, disease, poor education, and drug addiction. but really nobody cares, it is more convenient to look the other way.
immigration. well there are no more boat people of refugees seeking asylum in australia. why? well, if they do actually make it to this desert island (and not held at gunpoint on a ship in the middle of the ocean for 4 weeks), they are promptly locked up in a detention facility, men, women, and children. some have been living in this country longer than i have! a few people mumble some words of dissent, but really nobody cares.
fuel prices. they keep going up and up and up. people have a whinge, but really it is easier to keep paying more money than to actually do something about it. just like taxes.
foreign wars. well australia seems to keep getting involved in fighting wars in parts of the world and third world countries where the foreign affairs minister couldn't even find on a map. afghanistan and iraq being two of the most recent examples.
the environment. australia is the THIRD largest contributor to deforestation of native lands. it is just behind brazil and indonesia. australia still refuses to sign the kyoto protocol. does anyone really care? not really.
schools. well how about this? the federal government is happy to spend equal money on private institutions as it does on public schools. does this make sense to anyone? why isn't the country up in arms about this? no, that would be too much effort.
health. this country keeps closing down it's hospitals despite the growing number of geriatrics and an increase in population. in the place of the demolished hospitals, the site has been refurbished with apartments. lots and lots of apartments. if you do happen to get sick and need a doctor, you could be waiting up to 4 hours, and that would be on a good day.
civil rights. well those just got erased two weeks ago. now, in australia you can be locked up without due process. has anyone jumped up and down and screamed their heads off in protest? a few, but not many.
job security. well that is just about to become a thing of the past. the federal government is in the process of eliminating even that. a worker will no longer have rights in the work place. in most cases the employer will dictate all the terms. however, as an employee you can negotiate your own contract. but if you don't like what the boss offers you, well there is a door and you can see yourself out, thank you very much. now you would think the entire work force would be stark raving mad over this. some are, but for most, it is too much effort.
australians. i am painting a very pathetic picture of them. they are willing to be walked all over by their own government. a government they seem to keep electing over and over and over again. the same government that keeps gouging it's citizens over and over and over again. what do the people do? a few complain, a few protest, but for the most part, the citizens of this island paradise do nothing. it drives me wild to see the ambivalence and the lethargy of these people. i wish they would wake the fuck up and take some action.
however, australians will get upset and actually fight back. this happens only at one circumstance. an australian, i have discovered, will only truly become so upset and take action when some one interferes with their beer. it is in this moment when the citizens of this nation will take action. nothing else.

woke up this morning to a face full of kisses. it is a great feeling to be loved. i know i would love to have all mornings work out this way, but i know that we all occasionally wake up on the wrong side of the bed. but life is just that much better when we all wake up on the right side, or left, depending on the side of the mattress you have. wouldn't life be better if we all got up on the better side? hope your days are looking as good as mine is forecasting.

here are a few photos dipicting some humor in in a world that is so far from funny, that people only laugh at the absurd. what is this place? this is the view of the wall dividing isreal and the west bank. the point of view is from the west bank side. the only thing that comes to mind is- humans, how pathetic we can be!

as promised, this is my short story version of my trials and tribulations while dealing with cancer. this story was written to be included in a book due for printing later in the year called, ONE THING IN COMMON. hope you enjoy. please let me know what you think, as i am open to constructive criticism and want the best result before it goes to print. i thank you in advance for your input.
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In May of 2003 I was surfing with a friend, when I came off my board and slapped against the water. Coming up I was complaining of the pain I felt in my testicle after hitting the water. At the time, we both laughed about the situation and continued to surf. Not thinking too much about the incident, I went about my normal life without much change, despite the continual on and off pain I was having in my left testicle. I believed that I had bruised myself and figured that the pain would go away over time. It did not. About 2-3 weeks later, in a single day, the same testicle swelled to the size of a lemon. I was scared and immediately sought medical advice.

My G.P. at first treated me with anti-biotics to no effect. From there I was sent for an ultra sound, then to see a Urologist. It was in the Urologist’s office when I heard the words “you have cancer.” Those words, at that moment, would forever change my life. I was confronted with a diverse range of emotions all rushing to the forefront fighting to express themselves. The four most memorable emotions I had were; anger, relief, calm, and liberation. I was angry because I felt as if my body had let me down. I was 29 years old, supposedly in the prime of my life, newly married, into a career, and I had plans for my future. Cancer was not supposed to happen to me. It was not even in the equation. I was relieved, because the diagnosis at the very least could explain the unbearable pain I was having in my left testicle, and could also put reason into the fatigue, lethargy, and irritability I had been fighting over the previous 4 months. I was calm during the whole doctor debrief, especially after hearing the fateful words. In hindsight I am sure it was because my whole future was held in the balance of what he was saying to me, and I did not want to miss a single word. Finally, was the feeling of liberation. It may sound funny to people, but when I was told I had cancer, in a way, I felt as if I had suddenly been jerked into my life! Instantly, I was totally and fully aware of being alive. Every sense of touch, smell, sight, sound, and taste were being triggered. When I walked out of the doctor’s office and into the world, I felt I was truly experiencing the world for what it really was. This was a sensation I had not felt since very early in childhood. Despite the roar of city life around me, I was noticing the most insignificant things that make life so beautiful, like the birds chirping in the distance and the dandelion weed pushing through the crack in the cement. I was loving life everywhere it showed itself. I was realizing how precious life truly is.

I was referred to an Oncologist and required to undergo further tests to determine the nature and extent of the cancer. I had what was considered Stage 2 testicular cancer. The cancer had spread to my lymph system, manifesting itself in a lymph node in between my kidney and spine in the left lower part of my back. During the appointment with the Oncologist, Dr. Bell, it was explained to me the process I would undergo to treat testicular cancer. I was first to have an Orchidectomy (surgical removal of my testicle) followed by four rounds of chemotherapy, each lasting a period of three days in hospital. I would then have a three week break, in between each round of chemotherapy, to allow my body to recover from the treatment. Not knowing what to truly expect I was quite nervous, but Dr. Bell had assured me, after treatment I would “have another 50 years of a healthy life.” He helped boost my confidence through that statement alone, more than any other person had up to that point. It helped me to know that I could and can beat cancer.


Growing up I had always played sports and been an athlete. This fight for my life was to be my biggest challenge, so I put myself mentally in a game, a game for survival. I chose to look at each of the four rounds of chemotherapy as ¼ of the whole game. My battle to survive cancer was a game I was determined to win.

A week before I was diagnosed, I received a telephone call from my father. He told me that my cousin Erin had been diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time I was devastated by the news. I did speak of the pain in my testicle at that time, however I had brushed it immediately aside in conversation. A week later, it was my turn to phone him and tell him the same news in my life- I had cancer. I had grown up in California and moved to Australia in 1999, leaving friends and family in America. Cancer hit my family pretty hard, at just about the same time, with both my cousin and myself having been almost simultaneously diagnosed.

It was also during this time that I contacted other family and friends and told them what was happening in my life. Both my wife and I were surprised by the range of reactions we received. Some were quite pessimistic, while others were wonderfully positive. It was during this time that we decided to surround ourselves with the people who believed in us and had confidence I would overcome this illness. We made a conscious effort to keep away the negativity and stay positive. It is something I am certain was crucial to my health. A lot of people had suggestions for health through cure all pills, drinks, and exercises. But I knew I had to listen to my own body and make my own choices in my journey to health.

During this same time before starting the chemotherapy, we frantically researched every story and insight to cancer and testicular cancer. I drastically changed my diet, making strict choices to eat organic foods, especially fruits and vegetables. I also began regular visits with a doctor who practiced traditional Chinese medicine, where I began a regime of regular acupuncture to stimulate my kidney function and herbal medicines to help nourish my other organs that were severely overworked by the chemotherapy, particularly my liver and kidneys. I felt that in conjunction with the chemotherapy, this was the best course of action I could take.

So I began chemotherapy. It was a horrible experience. Although my body responded well to the chemo drugs, and the cancer had obvious signs of regression and finally disappeared, I did not fair so well physically. I was very sick from the chemo. The drugs took their toll on me, and before the 4th quarter even started, I was ready to throw in the towel. I went in for the last round grudgingly, yet determined to win.

It was during this time that I was heavily dependent upon the support from my wife. I would not have been able to cope with life if it was not for her. She was by my side every step of the way. She was at every doctor’s appointment; she was at my side most of my waking moments in hospital, and looking after me meticulously at home when I returned from each stay in hospital. It was during the first few days after the chemotherapy when I was at my worst. I had no desire for food and only wanted to sleep. I slept up to 22 hours a day. My wife would bring me carrot and beetroot juices throughout the day, coaxing me to drink. They were the perfect food for me at that time. When I did regain my appetite, I had an insatiable desire for chicken. For every meal I wanted chicken to eat.

Ironically, my cousin was undergoing her battle with breast cancer on the other side of the world at virtually the same time I was in hospital here in Australia. We would often phone one another in between the various rounds of chemo and compare notes. In a way, we formed our own little discussion group, comparing everything from hospitals, nurses, to chemo drugs, anti-nausea drugs, and trips to the toilet. We found ourselves laughing at the oddest things. I think it was that laughter that kept us both going, and the need to support each other that kept us strong. Eventually, we both overcame our individual battles with cancer.

Ever since being diagnosed with testicular cancer, I have been quite open with everyone about my experiences. In a way, this too was an avenue of healing for me. Having cancer was not something I could manage alone, so by sharing my experience verbally, and relating my story, it has assisted in my recovery.

Today, I look at life differently. It is a lot more precious to me. I am much more in tune with my body and its’ needs. If I am tired, I sleep. I am very conscious of my health, as it has taken on a new importance for me. I am aware of the foods I eat and drink. I exercise regularly and love every moment of it, especially those moments when my muscles burn from exertion. That is a simple reminder to me that I am alive. I am a lot more patient and satisfied with just being where I am. I am not in as much of a hurry to go anywhere or do everything, like I was before cancer. However, I am determined to put more effort into my own goals and achievements in order to make those happen. I am a lot more comfortable simply knowing that I am alive and I am healthy. I still look at the weeds pushing through the sidewalk and it makes me smile.

i have been a jack hammering fool the past two hours. the vibrations are still ringing in my ears and up my arms. when i got home from work tonight, it was once again back to the jack hammer to get up the tiles in the bathroom. they are all being replaced. it is a messy, dusty job, but i have finished. it has taken the better part of 20 hours to get up all the tiles required for removal. there was approximately 28 square meters to cover. in other words- shit loads.
so now it is friday night, and bob is my uncle. it is time to open that bottle of wine and relax. the cold shower i took was not so conducive to a mellow evening. the hot water has been disconnected, in anticipation of the tilers who are to arrive in a few days time and do their thing. regardless, there is no more jack hammering for me.

today, was once again a day i spent feeling sick. it all started off with fasting for 12 hours prior to waking up at dawn. upon waking i am supposed to drink down this contrast dye that highlights my gastro-intestinal tract, not once, but twice i must drink (30 minutes apart). the contrast is the most awful, disgusting liquid you can imagine. every time i put it near my lips and swallow, i am on the verge of retching. usually the first two gulps come up, go back down, come up again, before i can muster the will power to keep it down, that is followed by the rest of the liquid. this is the good shit. there is another contrast that looks and feels like a milk shake, but is so much more horrible in taste. if i could describe it accurately, it tastes like somebody elses puke!
then it is off to hospital, where i am judiciously canulated and injected full of iodine, to highlight my cardio-vascular system (which makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over but in a very wrong way). then i am moved back and forth on the CT scanning machine and asked to hold my breath, all while hanging my arms in the air above my head. does this sound like witch doctor stuff to anyone else? once this is all over, i make a mad dash for the exit. i have felt like shit all the rest of the day. but now, two years after cancer and chemotherapy, this regular check up is becoming a bit routine. it is way fucked up, but now part of my life.
later in the week i will blog my cancer story. stay tuned.

well here we go again. bush jr. has just put forth his latest candidate to sit on the bench of the supreme court. and her name is Harriet Miers. will she or won't she? only the u.s. senate can tell.
in my opinion the trouble is this: bush jr. is such an incompetent nincumpoop that any person he chooses to put into any office of power or significance, let alone any bill that is passed, or policy put forward (either domestic or international), will undoubtedly back fire. take for example (and i will only list a few)- mark bolton, the war on terror, redirection of public funding for infrastructure, humanitarian aid to american citizens, the list can go on and on. i foresee, that putting another arch-conservative on the supreme court will take america back to the dark ages. it is not hard to see the overturning of court rulings like roe vs. wade, or equally as important brown vs. the board of education. basically, taking away human rights from women in general, forcing once again black market abortion and the promotion of creationism in schools as opposed to evolution. on the up side to this, in the future when teenage girls do get pregnant, they can always claim it being an "immaculate conception," thus opening the door for several more religions to come forward.

the federal government of this great island nation has just passed new "anti-terror" laws that make the united states' patriot act look like a human rights initiative. times are getting very sad and borderline ugly right now. it is reminiscent of nazi germany in the 1930's. i may even be breaking some laws by mentioning how fucked up things have gotten. i could be dragged out of my house at any time and locked up in jail without due process, without consultation of a lawyer, and denied contact with the outside world for up to 14 days. this type of laws and actions by the federal government is taking this nation further down a path where it does not belong. where will it end?
however, i figure if you are really pissed off with someone, say your highschool math teacher, you could simply turn them in to the proper "authorities" and accuse them of being a terrorist, then your upcoming math test on friday will not happen. on the same note, if you don't feel like turning up to work for the next two weeks, you could dob yourself in. there are some creative possibilities with this new law. unfortunately, reality in this case is total shit.
i am hearing echoes of thousands of voices from argentina during the 1980's.