Sunday, October 09, 2005
my left nut- a story for life
as promised, this is my short story version of my trials and tribulations while dealing with cancer. this story was written to be included in a book due for printing later in the year called, ONE THING IN COMMON. hope you enjoy. please let me know what you think, as i am open to constructive criticism and want the best result before it goes to print. i thank you in advance for your input.
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In May of 2003 I was surfing with a friend, when I came off my board and slapped against the water. Coming up I was complaining of the pain I felt in my testicle after hitting the water. At the time, we both laughed about the situation and continued to surf. Not thinking too much about the incident, I went about my normal life without much change, despite the continual on and off pain I was having in my left testicle. I believed that I had bruised myself and figured that the pain would go away over time. It did not. About 2-3 weeks later, in a single day, the same testicle swelled to the size of a lemon. I was scared and immediately sought medical advice.
My G.P. at first treated me with anti-biotics to no effect. From there I was sent for an ultra sound, then to see a Urologist. It was in the Urologist’s office when I heard the words “you have cancer.” Those words, at that moment, would forever change my life. I was confronted with a diverse range of emotions all rushing to the forefront fighting to express themselves. The four most memorable emotions I had were; anger, relief, calm, and liberation. I was angry because I felt as if my body had let me down. I was 29 years old, supposedly in the prime of my life, newly married, into a career, and I had plans for my future. Cancer was not supposed to happen to me. It was not even in the equation. I was relieved, because the diagnosis at the very least could explain the unbearable pain I was having in my left testicle, and could also put reason into the fatigue, lethargy, and irritability I had been fighting over the previous 4 months. I was calm during the whole doctor debrief, especially after hearing the fateful words. In hindsight I am sure it was because my whole future was held in the balance of what he was saying to me, and I did not want to miss a single word. Finally, was the feeling of liberation. It may sound funny to people, but when I was told I had cancer, in a way, I felt as if I had suddenly been jerked into my life! Instantly, I was totally and fully aware of being alive. Every sense of touch, smell, sight, sound, and taste were being triggered. When I walked out of the doctor’s office and into the world, I felt I was truly experiencing the world for what it really was. This was a sensation I had not felt since very early in childhood. Despite the roar of city life around me, I was noticing the most insignificant things that make life so beautiful, like the birds chirping in the distance and the dandelion weed pushing through the crack in the cement. I was loving life everywhere it showed itself. I was realizing how precious life truly is.
I was referred to an Oncologist and required to undergo further tests to determine the nature and extent of the cancer. I had what was considered Stage 2 testicular cancer. The cancer had spread to my lymph system, manifesting itself in a lymph node in between my kidney and spine in the left lower part of my back. During the appointment with the Oncologist, Dr. Bell, it was explained to me the process I would undergo to treat testicular cancer. I was first to have an Orchidectomy (surgical removal of my testicle) followed by four rounds of chemotherapy, each lasting a period of three days in hospital. I would then have a three week break, in between each round of chemotherapy, to allow my body to recover from the treatment. Not knowing what to truly expect I was quite nervous, but Dr. Bell had assured me, after treatment I would “have another 50 years of a healthy life.” He helped boost my confidence through that statement alone, more than any other person had up to that point. It helped me to know that I could and can beat cancer.
Growing up I had always played sports and been an athlete. This fight for my life was to be my biggest challenge, so I put myself mentally in a game, a game for survival. I chose to look at each of the four rounds of chemotherapy as ¼ of the whole game. My battle to survive cancer was a game I was determined to win.
A week before I was diagnosed, I received a telephone call from my father. He told me that my cousin Erin had been diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time I was devastated by the news. I did speak of the pain in my testicle at that time, however I had brushed it immediately aside in conversation. A week later, it was my turn to phone him and tell him the same news in my life- I had cancer. I had grown up in California and moved to Australia in 1999, leaving friends and family in America. Cancer hit my family pretty hard, at just about the same time, with both my cousin and myself having been almost simultaneously diagnosed.
It was also during this time that I contacted other family and friends and told them what was happening in my life. Both my wife and I were surprised by the range of reactions we received. Some were quite pessimistic, while others were wonderfully positive. It was during this time that we decided to surround ourselves with the people who believed in us and had confidence I would overcome this illness. We made a conscious effort to keep away the negativity and stay positive. It is something I am certain was crucial to my health. A lot of people had suggestions for health through cure all pills, drinks, and exercises. But I knew I had to listen to my own body and make my own choices in my journey to health.
During this same time before starting the chemotherapy, we frantically researched every story and insight to cancer and testicular cancer. I drastically changed my diet, making strict choices to eat organic foods, especially fruits and vegetables. I also began regular visits with a doctor who practiced traditional Chinese medicine, where I began a regime of regular acupuncture to stimulate my kidney function and herbal medicines to help nourish my other organs that were severely overworked by the chemotherapy, particularly my liver and kidneys. I felt that in conjunction with the chemotherapy, this was the best course of action I could take.
So I began chemotherapy. It was a horrible experience. Although my body responded well to the chemo drugs, and the cancer had obvious signs of regression and finally disappeared, I did not fair so well physically. I was very sick from the chemo. The drugs took their toll on me, and before the 4th quarter even started, I was ready to throw in the towel. I went in for the last round grudgingly, yet determined to win.
It was during this time that I was heavily dependent upon the support from my wife. I would not have been able to cope with life if it was not for her. She was by my side every step of the way. She was at every doctor’s appointment; she was at my side most of my waking moments in hospital, and looking after me meticulously at home when I returned from each stay in hospital. It was during the first few days after the chemotherapy when I was at my worst. I had no desire for food and only wanted to sleep. I slept up to 22 hours a day. My wife would bring me carrot and beetroot juices throughout the day, coaxing me to drink. They were the perfect food for me at that time. When I did regain my appetite, I had an insatiable desire for chicken. For every meal I wanted chicken to eat.
Ironically, my cousin was undergoing her battle with breast cancer on the other side of the world at virtually the same time I was in hospital here in Australia. We would often phone one another in between the various rounds of chemo and compare notes. In a way, we formed our own little discussion group, comparing everything from hospitals, nurses, to chemo drugs, anti-nausea drugs, and trips to the toilet. We found ourselves laughing at the oddest things. I think it was that laughter that kept us both going, and the need to support each other that kept us strong. Eventually, we both overcame our individual battles with cancer.
Ever since being diagnosed with testicular cancer, I have been quite open with everyone about my experiences. In a way, this too was an avenue of healing for me. Having cancer was not something I could manage alone, so by sharing my experience verbally, and relating my story, it has assisted in my recovery.
Today, I look at life differently. It is a lot more precious to me. I am much more in tune with my body and its’ needs. If I am tired, I sleep. I am very conscious of my health, as it has taken on a new importance for me. I am aware of the foods I eat and drink. I exercise regularly and love every moment of it, especially those moments when my muscles burn from exertion. That is a simple reminder to me that I am alive. I am a lot more patient and satisfied with just being where I am. I am not in as much of a hurry to go anywhere or do everything, like I was before cancer. However, I am determined to put more effort into my own goals and achievements in order to make those happen. I am a lot more comfortable simply knowing that I am alive and I am healthy. I still look at the weeds pushing through the sidewalk and it makes me smile.
-----
In May of 2003 I was surfing with a friend, when I came off my board and slapped against the water. Coming up I was complaining of the pain I felt in my testicle after hitting the water. At the time, we both laughed about the situation and continued to surf. Not thinking too much about the incident, I went about my normal life without much change, despite the continual on and off pain I was having in my left testicle. I believed that I had bruised myself and figured that the pain would go away over time. It did not. About 2-3 weeks later, in a single day, the same testicle swelled to the size of a lemon. I was scared and immediately sought medical advice.
My G.P. at first treated me with anti-biotics to no effect. From there I was sent for an ultra sound, then to see a Urologist. It was in the Urologist’s office when I heard the words “you have cancer.” Those words, at that moment, would forever change my life. I was confronted with a diverse range of emotions all rushing to the forefront fighting to express themselves. The four most memorable emotions I had were; anger, relief, calm, and liberation. I was angry because I felt as if my body had let me down. I was 29 years old, supposedly in the prime of my life, newly married, into a career, and I had plans for my future. Cancer was not supposed to happen to me. It was not even in the equation. I was relieved, because the diagnosis at the very least could explain the unbearable pain I was having in my left testicle, and could also put reason into the fatigue, lethargy, and irritability I had been fighting over the previous 4 months. I was calm during the whole doctor debrief, especially after hearing the fateful words. In hindsight I am sure it was because my whole future was held in the balance of what he was saying to me, and I did not want to miss a single word. Finally, was the feeling of liberation. It may sound funny to people, but when I was told I had cancer, in a way, I felt as if I had suddenly been jerked into my life! Instantly, I was totally and fully aware of being alive. Every sense of touch, smell, sight, sound, and taste were being triggered. When I walked out of the doctor’s office and into the world, I felt I was truly experiencing the world for what it really was. This was a sensation I had not felt since very early in childhood. Despite the roar of city life around me, I was noticing the most insignificant things that make life so beautiful, like the birds chirping in the distance and the dandelion weed pushing through the crack in the cement. I was loving life everywhere it showed itself. I was realizing how precious life truly is.
I was referred to an Oncologist and required to undergo further tests to determine the nature and extent of the cancer. I had what was considered Stage 2 testicular cancer. The cancer had spread to my lymph system, manifesting itself in a lymph node in between my kidney and spine in the left lower part of my back. During the appointment with the Oncologist, Dr. Bell, it was explained to me the process I would undergo to treat testicular cancer. I was first to have an Orchidectomy (surgical removal of my testicle) followed by four rounds of chemotherapy, each lasting a period of three days in hospital. I would then have a three week break, in between each round of chemotherapy, to allow my body to recover from the treatment. Not knowing what to truly expect I was quite nervous, but Dr. Bell had assured me, after treatment I would “have another 50 years of a healthy life.” He helped boost my confidence through that statement alone, more than any other person had up to that point. It helped me to know that I could and can beat cancer.
Growing up I had always played sports and been an athlete. This fight for my life was to be my biggest challenge, so I put myself mentally in a game, a game for survival. I chose to look at each of the four rounds of chemotherapy as ¼ of the whole game. My battle to survive cancer was a game I was determined to win.
A week before I was diagnosed, I received a telephone call from my father. He told me that my cousin Erin had been diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time I was devastated by the news. I did speak of the pain in my testicle at that time, however I had brushed it immediately aside in conversation. A week later, it was my turn to phone him and tell him the same news in my life- I had cancer. I had grown up in California and moved to Australia in 1999, leaving friends and family in America. Cancer hit my family pretty hard, at just about the same time, with both my cousin and myself having been almost simultaneously diagnosed.
It was also during this time that I contacted other family and friends and told them what was happening in my life. Both my wife and I were surprised by the range of reactions we received. Some were quite pessimistic, while others were wonderfully positive. It was during this time that we decided to surround ourselves with the people who believed in us and had confidence I would overcome this illness. We made a conscious effort to keep away the negativity and stay positive. It is something I am certain was crucial to my health. A lot of people had suggestions for health through cure all pills, drinks, and exercises. But I knew I had to listen to my own body and make my own choices in my journey to health.
During this same time before starting the chemotherapy, we frantically researched every story and insight to cancer and testicular cancer. I drastically changed my diet, making strict choices to eat organic foods, especially fruits and vegetables. I also began regular visits with a doctor who practiced traditional Chinese medicine, where I began a regime of regular acupuncture to stimulate my kidney function and herbal medicines to help nourish my other organs that were severely overworked by the chemotherapy, particularly my liver and kidneys. I felt that in conjunction with the chemotherapy, this was the best course of action I could take.
So I began chemotherapy. It was a horrible experience. Although my body responded well to the chemo drugs, and the cancer had obvious signs of regression and finally disappeared, I did not fair so well physically. I was very sick from the chemo. The drugs took their toll on me, and before the 4th quarter even started, I was ready to throw in the towel. I went in for the last round grudgingly, yet determined to win.
It was during this time that I was heavily dependent upon the support from my wife. I would not have been able to cope with life if it was not for her. She was by my side every step of the way. She was at every doctor’s appointment; she was at my side most of my waking moments in hospital, and looking after me meticulously at home when I returned from each stay in hospital. It was during the first few days after the chemotherapy when I was at my worst. I had no desire for food and only wanted to sleep. I slept up to 22 hours a day. My wife would bring me carrot and beetroot juices throughout the day, coaxing me to drink. They were the perfect food for me at that time. When I did regain my appetite, I had an insatiable desire for chicken. For every meal I wanted chicken to eat.
Ironically, my cousin was undergoing her battle with breast cancer on the other side of the world at virtually the same time I was in hospital here in Australia. We would often phone one another in between the various rounds of chemo and compare notes. In a way, we formed our own little discussion group, comparing everything from hospitals, nurses, to chemo drugs, anti-nausea drugs, and trips to the toilet. We found ourselves laughing at the oddest things. I think it was that laughter that kept us both going, and the need to support each other that kept us strong. Eventually, we both overcame our individual battles with cancer.
Ever since being diagnosed with testicular cancer, I have been quite open with everyone about my experiences. In a way, this too was an avenue of healing for me. Having cancer was not something I could manage alone, so by sharing my experience verbally, and relating my story, it has assisted in my recovery.
Today, I look at life differently. It is a lot more precious to me. I am much more in tune with my body and its’ needs. If I am tired, I sleep. I am very conscious of my health, as it has taken on a new importance for me. I am aware of the foods I eat and drink. I exercise regularly and love every moment of it, especially those moments when my muscles burn from exertion. That is a simple reminder to me that I am alive. I am a lot more patient and satisfied with just being where I am. I am not in as much of a hurry to go anywhere or do everything, like I was before cancer. However, I am determined to put more effort into my own goals and achievements in order to make those happen. I am a lot more comfortable simply knowing that I am alive and I am healthy. I still look at the weeds pushing through the sidewalk and it makes me smile.
