Friday, June 02, 2006
nightmares
the past two nights i have hardly slept. i have been troubled with nightmares. both nights they have been pretty similar.---
i am alone in this strerile white room on an operating/examination table. there are lights on all over the place. it is bright, and i am waiting. i am waiting for a man, who later enters the room, but i never can see his face. when i ask what is going on, he only shrugs and says it is for my own good. "what is?" i demand. he ignores me altogether and opens several drawers in a silver cabinet that sits to the left side of the room. on a tray he places his tools. carving tools. he approaches me lying on the table with his tray of tools. i struggle to move, and only then realize i am strapped to the table. my hands and feet are all bound. i plead for an explanation from the man. he continues to ignore me, but only repeats "it is for your own good." i scream for help as he starts to cut into my belly. no one responds. the man keeps cutting.
the dream continues to replay itself over and over and over again, through out the night. i can't sleep. the nightmare keeps me restless and only plays while it is dark. for the last few days i can only sleep during the day light. i know this is playing itself out from my subconscious post surgery. yet, why? is it the coming down from the drugs? what? one suggestion is the anesthetic. that is a crazy drug. i for one, just want to sleep tonight.
i am alone in this strerile white room on an operating/examination table. there are lights on all over the place. it is bright, and i am waiting. i am waiting for a man, who later enters the room, but i never can see his face. when i ask what is going on, he only shrugs and says it is for my own good. "what is?" i demand. he ignores me altogether and opens several drawers in a silver cabinet that sits to the left side of the room. on a tray he places his tools. carving tools. he approaches me lying on the table with his tray of tools. i struggle to move, and only then realize i am strapped to the table. my hands and feet are all bound. i plead for an explanation from the man. he continues to ignore me, but only repeats "it is for your own good." i scream for help as he starts to cut into my belly. no one responds. the man keeps cutting.
the dream continues to replay itself over and over and over again, through out the night. i can't sleep. the nightmare keeps me restless and only plays while it is dark. for the last few days i can only sleep during the day light. i know this is playing itself out from my subconscious post surgery. yet, why? is it the coming down from the drugs? what? one suggestion is the anesthetic. that is a crazy drug. i for one, just want to sleep tonight.
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oh! brent! my heart feels achey for you. your body, your psyche, your spirit, all of you has undergone SUCH trauma. even if you hadn't seen those pictures, the knowledge of what happened would still be in your mind because the anesthetic didn't keep YOU from being there in that room during the surgery. i think you are suffering from post-traumatic stress. did you get any training for dealing with this when you were working in the ambo's? i know there are things they do to help people work through PTS, and i wish i knew what they are. my brother worked in ambo's for awhile and suffered severe PTS after one particularly bad accident. should i ask him for some suggestions? or could you ask some of your old mates that are still in the ambo's? i'm sorry i can't be of more help. all i know is that it's very traumatic and if you don't get help your emotional healing is much more prolonged. i love you. i send you big healing hugs.
xo
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xo
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