The Word B

the bags are all packed, passport in hand, doors locked, i am ready to go. we are leaving for sunny california tomorrow. i can hardly wait. the trip that has been in the planning for nearly a year now, is finally about to become reality. i am healing well enough to travel. i a have been moving around fairly comfortably for a few days now. the last 3 days have been the best, as i have actually been able to stand up straight. i am so looking forward to spending time with my family. this has been the longest stretch of time i have gone without a trip home, over 2 1/2 years. so needless to say, this is a much needed holiday. only one more sleep til we are on that plane, then it is a surreal 14 hour flight with little to no sleep, but i am hoping to get some along the way. bon voyage.

i am up early this morning despite the cold air. i am trying to finish my last written essay for this irish literature course i have been taking. i have had to get an extension on the due date, due to the fact that i was hospitalized and drugged out for weeks. the assignment was due about the same time the surgeon was slicing me up the belly. at the moment, rather than writing up the last of 3 essays, i am procrastinating and blogging. it isn't helping matters.

so many changes have happened in the last 4 weeks, and then again nothing has changed. i have undergone this major operation, had a tumor cut out and am now healing. i can actually stretch a little, and move around a little bit more. i have kicked my morphine habit. i have completed the third semester of my studies. my life is looking up. i have the nastiest scar to support these things.
then i read the newspaper.... the quest for world peace is in utter shambles. war is raging along in iraq, afghanistan, and east timor. the road to a green, healthy planet is non-existant. oil consumption and oil prices are at an all time high. hollywood actors are whoring out photos of their children to bail out third world countries from foreign debt. world cup soccer is in full swing, with australia winning their first game over japan in a come from behind nail bitter. john howard wants australia to go nuclear, despite public objection. truly, nothing has changed.
after spending the last 4 weeks holed up and ignorant of world events, and to come out to this sort of current event news, i am devastated. this is cause for deep consideration to crawl back under the rock i was hiding with and stay there. however, once one has been enlightened, it is nearly impossible to return to ignorance. one can only dream fantastical of what was. reality on the other hand, is scary, sobering, shit. perhaps that is why many people turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. not that i am suggesting i am turning to drugs and alcohol to cope, however, i can understand why people do it. but a cold beer would be nice.

well another day passes and i am still cooped up at home. however, i am healing. i know this for certain, as everyday i wake up in the morning and there is a slight improvement on the day before, in terms of how i feel. today is monday, a public holiday, celebrating some queen- dead or alive. who cares? the best part about today is the fact that the sun is out! sunshine. it is the first day in about 2 1/2 weeks without rain. it is a nice change in the weather, and an oportunity to stand outside and sun my belly. which i have already done, and may continue to do when i finish typing.
the internal pain from the cutting and trauma, is starting to subside. the pain in the belly, where they did the cutting and prying open is still sore, but getting better. my stomach muscles or lack of, are having their first inklings of actually becoming useful. so that is a positive sign. but truthfully, i am sick and tired of this feeling. i am ready to play. i am ready for a holiday in the sun. which is only 9 days and a 14 hour plane ride away. then i will be back in the land of my birth, the warm california sunshine state.

wham. and just like that, i have turned into an instant couch potato. this is the major draw back to this recovery. there is not much i can do, other than sleep and sit. i find i migrate between the bed and the couch. riding in the car still is a challenge and going outside is not really an option as it has been raining for 4 days straight. so i find myself on the couch. i have plenty to read, but am uninspired and unenthused to pick up another book. why? don't know. yet, i find myself turning on the idiot box, way too much. if you didn't already know, let me tell you, day time television sucks, sucks, sucks. at least on the weekends there is some sort of sporting game to watch. but weekdays, television sucks.
i need some other distraction, but am seriously lacking. i have homework assignments to tackle and complete, but keep procrastinating. despite the fact that i have all the time in the world to do them, i just don't. although i know i will be much more positive about the issue, if i just did them. but instead, i sit here on the couch and watch television. i am getting crabbier by the moment. it is time for a nap.

the past two nights i have hardly slept. i have been troubled with nightmares. both nights they have been pretty similar.---
i am alone in this strerile white room on an operating/examination table. there are lights on all over the place. it is bright, and i am waiting. i am waiting for a man, who later enters the room, but i never can see his face. when i ask what is going on, he only shrugs and says it is for my own good. "what is?" i demand. he ignores me altogether and opens several drawers in a silver cabinet that sits to the left side of the room. on a tray he places his tools. carving tools. he approaches me lying on the table with his tray of tools. i struggle to move, and only then realize i am strapped to the table. my hands and feet are all bound. i plead for an explanation from the man. he continues to ignore me, but only repeats "it is for your own good." i scream for help as he starts to cut into my belly. no one responds. the man keeps cutting.
the dream continues to replay itself over and over and over again, through out the night. i can't sleep. the nightmare keeps me restless and only plays while it is dark. for the last few days i can only sleep during the day light. i know this is playing itself out from my subconscious post surgery. yet, why? is it the coming down from the drugs? what? one suggestion is the anesthetic. that is a crazy drug. i for one, just want to sleep tonight.