The Word B

i just realized. i've been blogging for more than two years now. the anniversary slipped by while i was in an opiated state. which literally means- doped out of my mind so badly i didn't know up from down. at that point i could care less about the world and the blog. but yes, just like a junkie to heroin, i am back for more. (i figured the pun to be appropriate.)

i got back the photos of the operation today. i took in a disposable camera to the hospital, the kind with a flash. i was curious to know what they were going to do to me and how they were going to go about it. i had asked one of the surgeons ahead of time, if it was o.k. he agreed. so i gave the camera to one of the crew and asked for a few photos. they took about 10. holy fuck! it is some nasty gruesome shit. i will have to learn to scan them into the computer and then upload then on the blog site. but i am afraid if i do that i may be arrested for snuff film. what they did to me is straight out of the pages of mary shelley. it is dr. frankenstien shit. and the tumor they cut out! my god, it is huge. but better out than in.
my justification for the photos now is this- i got this huge scar on my body. i freak out everytime i look at my belly, and at least this gives me an explanation as to why and how i have it.
today is two weeks post surgery. i am moving around town, slowly. but still moving. tomorrow will be better than today. at least i know i am healing.

guess what? i am 13 days out of surgery.... alright, day three off the pain killers has started off pretty good. although the spot on my inside, next to the aorta and left kidney where the surgeons did all the cutting, has started to become irritated again. other than the incision, that is the area of the most trauma. so i am not surprised for it to hurt. not only did the surgeons remove the infected lymph nodes (13 in all, i read the biopsy report) but they also scraped off the top of the kidney, as the tumor was glued, stuck-on, attached, to the kidney itself. i am thinking it will grow back, or it may be wishful thought. who cares? i do sort of, but as long as the pain goes away, i know i can function fine on one kidney, although the left one is still working.
on the positive side of things, i am still popping lots of pills- my chinese pills. these ones are designed for healing and nutrition for my body. as opposed to the western medicine which kills the pain and makes one constipated. a funny observation is that the western hospital pills tend to be more white and clinical, and the chinese, eastern medicine, is more colorful. the chinese pills have no unwanted side effects.
so i have been spending the days at home either in bed or on the couch or walking in between. pretty exciting stuff, but it is way better than sitting idly in a hospital bed self injecting on morphine. my stay there was a complete fucking nightmare. i can't believe it was for 7 days. the time dragged on but really it did pass quickly. while in hospital i kept thinking, really, there is no place like home. there is no place like home. there is no place like home. i clicked my fuzzy brown slippers together three times and was out of there, and ended up back in dee why.

yesterday i made a valliant attempt to get off the pain killers. it lasted all day until bed time. that is when i broke down and popped a couple of pills. mostly because the pain was too much and i couldn't relax, and partly because i just wanted to be knocked out and fall asleep.
the morning started off real bad when i sneezed! holy fuck. i had not had a sneeze since the operation. this nearly killed me. when i am needing to cough or sneeze or even blow my nose, i am supposed to hold a pillow against my chest. it acts like a make shift splint while i do what needs to be done. when the sneeze came on, it was too quick, i could not reach the pillow in time. there was a second one, but i had managed to hug it tightly to minimize the effect as best i could, but the damage had been done. i think i ripped a few internal stiches with the one sneeze. that was before i even got out of bed.
however, i was still determined to get off the pain killers. mostly because i am so tired of being all doped out all the time. my head can't take much more of the narcotics. in hospital i was on alot of morphine, and the take home pills are a morphine derivitive. not only do they make you feel real cool at first, but they go on to screw with your brain and make your bowels totally constipated. which was adding to my abdominal pain. sort of a catch 22. morphine in an opiate. yeah, same thing as opium and heroin. guess i wouldn't make the best junkie.
yesterday i went for a few walks and a car trip up to the local organic markets, then to the beach to sit in the sun and watch the surf. it was a great day to be out and enjoying life. in the evening i sat in front of the idiot box for nearly 4 1/2 hours watching complete shit. i was tired but not wanting to go to bed and just stuck in that state of limbo. it sucked. this whole experience sucks.
but like the swim coach at UCSC, mickey wender, used to say- "pain is weakness leaving the body." so if that is the case next year i should be mr. universe.

yup. you guessed it. i made it through. it was a crazy nightmare. most of the stay in hospital i was too doped up on morphine to know what exactly was going on. but my wonderful wife had sent an email out to friends and family, that better sums up and explains my situation.

cherrybean said: brent is doing amazingly well. with the major invasion and huge gash in his belly, he is noticeably better everyday. we are sure the massive
amounts of chinese herbs he took weeks prior to the surgery are helping in his
strong recovery. his liver is getting worked with all the drugs - pain relief,
antibiotics, anti nausea etc. he is still just on a liquid diet of -
chicken broth, jello and apple juice, 3 times a day. mmm. and he farted
yesterday!! yay! first time. so that was actually a big step, as his bowel is
waking up and going to start working soon. he wee's alot with the sodium chloride
iv drip that keeps him hydrated. so that is lots of ups and shuffles to
the loo, instead of peeing in the bottle. he takes walks [shuffles] around
the ward, one hand out in front, braced, and the other dragging his iv pole
along. i give his calves and feet a really good massage every day. his
feet and ankles are quite swollen. but still wears the compression socks, as
he spends most his time laying on his back. he is starting to want to lay
on his side, but still too painful. it takes him a while to sit up and is
shaky when he stands, but he's on a mission and having less pain everyday.
they will take him off morphine soon, perhaps today. it makes him itchy all
over, sleepy and nauseas, but still likes the relief it gives. he vomits here
and there, which really hurts his belly. he is getting alot of visitors now, which entertains him and loves the support and care he is getting, but it tires him out. by late afternoon he is pretty groggy and not very responsive. i snuggle down with him for a couple hours at night and he sleeps alot easier with me there. snuggle
bunny that he is, laying on his back and straight, i make all effort to be
still and just rub his head and his hands. he has bruises on his arm from
needles and has a needle in his collarbone/shoulder area still [a central line,
for more immediate response]. the nurses have generally been great. its
being in a public hospital with all the noise and 4 people to a room, with
construction going on in the room next door that doesn't allow him really
enough good deep sleep.

...they are going to cut me open. i am going to have a para-aortic lymph node dissection. it is way too fucked up for words (the procedure). i am tired of thinking about it, talking about it, everything. but regardless, it is going to happen.

it is 5 days until i go under the knife. it is constantly on my mind. who in their right mind wants to undergo surgery? not me, certainly. however, i want to get it over and done with. this waiting thing is nearly driving me nuts, as the thoughts of surgery and all the "what ifs" that go along with it seem to preoccupy most of my thinking. there are a lot of potential errors to be had in this operation, one of which is bleeding out on the table. yippee.
i have a surgeon that nearly everyone says is the best. so that is somewhat comforting.
the new "found" scar on my body upon waking from the operation should be interesting and a good topic for discussion, and show-and-tell for some time.
mentally, i am as prepared as i will ever be. so let's bring it on. physically, i feel great, except for the tumor growing inside of me.
drugs. it is another issue deeply on my mind. they are going to turn me into a junky for a few days with the morphine or pethadine or what ever pain relief i am sure i will be begging for. how do i feel about this? not too pleased. really, drugs are great. then you have to eventually come down, and that sucks. i don't want them (i say this now). but really i don't want them in my body. i have had enough of the most expensive pharmacuetical drugs money can buy. take it from me, it is not worth it. i would prefer to skip it all and just go for a surf.
which brings me to another point. there is no bloody surf anywhere. i want to fit in a last surf before my stomach gets cut open, and there are no waves. go figure? after living a life of 32 years on lake pacific, i should come to expect this. once again, the ocean wins.
in conclusion, i may or may not be writing on this sight for a while (although i may sneak one or two more in pre-surgery). in the words of douglas mac arthur- i shall return. so stay tuned.

more compelling evidence that something is rotten in the white house, and it is not the fish.... the following are two long, must-reads about Bush-- one by historian Sean Wilentz, and one by Carl Bernstein.
both are fairly lengthy articles but so well spoken that when you get to the end you find yourself in tears of frustration and gobsmacked by the fact that it is all so surreal. however, it is relavent information to arm yourself with.
#1- the rolling stone article
#2- the vanity fair article
don't just take my word for it. read it. get proactive. this is your world too!

just what the world needs- another bush. if is wasn't bad enough when we lived through the first bush as president. then we got slammed, when the second one was elected. you know who i am talking about, that current mental midget who is galavanting around town as the "president of the united states." we still got 2 1/2 years of torture with this guy in office. now there is suggestion that there is a possibility of a third bush. what the fuck is going on? let us just reflect in the fact that it was jeb bush who; lied, cheated, stole, and changed laws in the state of florida in order to get the moron we have now elected as president nearly 6 years ago. do you really think he is good president material?

as most of you may know by now, the tumor i had in my kidney region has begun to grow again. for those of you just finding out, surprise!
this is a lymph node that was infected with the original cancer 3 years ago, but was treated and turned into a cyst (scar tissue) with the chemotherapy. at the time, with advice of my oncologist, it was something i could live life with and have nothing affected. however, i had to maintain regular scans and check ups to keep an eye on it. well those regular scans have proved their worth, as the last CT scan last month picked up on the fact that this cyst was growing. for about 3 weeks i was sweating bullets as, there was no indication to whether it was malignant or benign growth.
i had to undergo a special radioactive exam called a PET scan, which looks for fast growing cells- malignant cancer. nearly $1000 and lying very very still for 2 hours, i later found out the good news, it was benign.
the cyst is what is referred to as a benign teratoma. but it is growing nonetheless. i can feel it. it is now the size of a golf ball, and will continue to grow and grow. there is also the possibility that it will turn nasty and evil, so i want the bugger out.
i have been interviewing and looking into surgeons over the past 3 weeks to determine the best person and best course of action to take to achieve the best result. last night cherry and i met with another surgeon and have chosen to him to do the job.
so on may 17, 2006 i am going to get sliced open threw the belly and undergo 2-4 hours of surgery to have this tumor removed. it is on the iside of my left kidney, near my spine, near my descending aorta, and other nerves. to get at it, my colon, small intestine and perhaps a few other vital organs will be moved aside for this thing to get at. while the surgeon is in there, they will cut out and clean away all the infected lymph node etc. to me it sounds like dr frankenstein stuff, but what other choice have i got? i will be in hospital for 5-7 days and should take 4-5 weeks to have an 80% recovery and up to 3 months for full recovery.
the bad news is i am going to be sore and somewhat immobile. the good news, i will be around on planet earth, still stirring shit up.

feliz cinco de mayo. usted tiene una margarita.

how much do people want to pay for a head of lettuce in the united states? at the moment, you can typically walk into a market anywhere and pay less than $1.50 for a head of lettuce. now consider, if you erradicated all migrant workers from the fields, mostly illegal, who then would pick the crops? your average american would find the work too difficult. even if you could find someone to do the job, they would demand substantial pay in return and expect decent housing (not the substandard housing that is generally provided). how much would a head of lettuce cost then? 6 dollars? 7 dollars? and what of strawberries, grapes, and any other fruit and vegetable one purchases from the market? all this is taken for granted.
the american domestic economy is dependent upon the migrant worker. so why this drive to demonize people searching for work? especially people who have been working and living in the united states, doing the dirty, disgusting jobs most people turn their noses at? think about it. these people wash your dishes and prepare your food at most of the restaurants you frequent. they are the ones cultivating and harvesting the crops and foods you eat. they collect your waste. they tend your gardens and provide day supervision to your children. these migrant peoples are part of everyday life whether the american public wants to acknowledge them or not.
i find the notion insane when i hear politicians demanding the immediate deportation and total denial of rights to these "so called" illegals. the irony here is that many of the peoples who are in the cross hairs are direct decendants of people who are indigenous to the americas in the first place. it is a case of the colonialist screaming and fighting to remove the natives from native land.
so. in regards to the mass demonstrations that have taken place in los angeles and other major cities across the united states, in support of these migrant people, i commend you all. it is not an easy thing to leave all you know and immigrate to another place in the world. often times you leave family and friends, in exchange for a new language, new culture, new rules, etc. these are people that need to be celebrated and encouraged. they should not be despised, but embraced because they are what makes america great: multi-culturalism. america is a place where people can share ideas, values, languages, food, music, love and friendship.
however, the loud, closed minded rhetoric of ignorant people must be confronted head on. these people must either come to realize that their views are unhealthy and need to change, or perhaps maybe they themselves should leave to immigrate some place else. that way there can be some empathy, understanding and perhaps a little compassion brought into their lives.
this is the beginning of some radical change in america (for good or ill). the people are taking back the power that rightly belongs to them. stay tuned!